Flashback to those high school years. The back seat of Ronnie’s car (ok, really their mom’s). Or maybe it was a couch in the sort-of-finished basement or family room – while listening to “Bridge Over Troubled Water” on repeat. And those hickeys…
Ah – young love.
Well, let’s hear it for older love, the kind that requires a little more kindling. What does it really look like?
First, let’s get rid of some myths and misconceptions. First, that sex and intimacy need to end as you age. That is simply wrong. According to the 2018 findings from the University of Michigan’s National Poll on Healthy Aging, 65% of respondents said they had an interest in sex, 40% said they were sexually active and 83% noted that sex was essential to their quality of life.
So, what changes do occur that impact sexuality in later life? There are physical changes, complications to sex, surgeries and medications that may impact sexuality and, the ongoing need for protection for safe sex. (Yes, you still need STI protection and testing with any new partner.)
The first thing that comes to mind for many is menopause. We know that menopause (defined by 12 consecutive months after the last menstrual period) occurs because the ovaries stop producing estrogen and progesterone. Surgical removal of the ovaries, chemotherapy or radiation can bring on induced menopause. Once you have gone through menopause, you can't get pregnant anymore. Some people call the years leading up to a woman's last period menopause, but that time actually is the menopausal transition, or perimenopause. Menopause can occur when a woman is in her 40’s or 50’s, and the average age is 51 – and while it ends fertility, it does not stand in the way of a healthy, vital sex life.
What menopause and other age-related changes do bring about are a need for physical, mental, and emotional shifts in the way sexuality and intimacy are approached. Physical changes include irregular periods, hot flashes, weight gain, difficulty sleeping through the night and vaginal and urinary tract dryness and thinness caused by estrogen loss. This can create discomfort with sex, increased vaginal and urinary tract infections (UTIs) and urinary incontinence. And, osteoporosis, a condition where the bones thin and weaken, is also a result of decreased estrogen in approximately half of women over 50. For a person with a penis, erectile dysfunction may be an issue, whether caused by age or health conditions. Medications are available to help achieve and sustain an erection.
The mental and emotional shifts also impact couples. Mood changes, trouble focusing and loss of interest in sex are real and may need attention. But there are things both partners can do.
Start off by paying attention to what’s going on and tracking symptoms. Decrease calories and look at increasing iron and calcium. Exercise more – yes, both of you. Quit smoking. And keep up with gynecological health, which may include hormonal therapy and vaginal lubricants.
“Intimacy changes over time,” says Chrissy Cmorik, Senior Director of Education for Planned Parenthood of the Pacific Southwest. “It evolves but still requires nurturing. That could mean taking your time, listening more, communicating with intent. A simple hug or looking into each other’s eyes can bring you closer. Don’t take it for granted.”
And what about health changes? Are blood pressure or prostate meds having an impact? Don’t be embarrassed – talk with your healthcare provider (and your partner). Adjustments are a time of day for sex or using a pillow for positioning can be made to increase enjoyment.
Taking charge of your sexual intimacy can mean many things. Connect emotionally and physically. Hold hands, give – and get – a massage. Talk. Take time. As human beings, we crave intimacy and connection throughout our lives – and this need never enter retirement. It improves our health, by lowering stress and blood pressure and warding off depression. It’s an important part of life and you should – and can – live it in a way that suits you and your partner best.
Moving from the car’s back seat or your partner’s parents’ couch to the bedroom can enhance any relationship. It’s a real benefit of aging.
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