They say, 'There's no place like home for the holidays.' Even for those who enjoy reconnecting with family they haven't seen in a long time, navigating time with family while embracing a new identity can be challenging. Sometimes, relationships with family can be complex and leave us feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and stressed. This emotional turmoil can be even more compounded if this is the first time you're seeing family after acknowledging your gender identity or sexuality.
If you're traveling to a less-than-fully-supportive environment this year, know that your identity and experiences are valid. Here are some tips to help navigate going home for the holiday season.
Remember that Who You Come Out to is Your Choice
While many feel a strong desire to share their truth with loved ones, remember that this is a personal decision. It is up to each person to decide for themselves who, how, and when they share their LGBTQ+ identities. While some people may feel very excited to open up to family about how they identify, others may want to wait a few days into a trip or decide to hold off on sharing this information altogether. All of these choices are valid. Only you know what is right for you.
Practice Talking About Your Identity to a Friend Before You Visit Your Family
For those who do decide to share their identities with loved ones, it may be helpful to practice what we will say. We all imagine how conversations will go in our heads, but why not practice those difficult conversations with a trusted friend and ally beforehand? This creates an opportunity rehearse any discussion you’d like to have with your family about your pronouns or sexuality and how you want to be treated. To start the conversation, here are some general terms and definitions to go over:
- Gender Identity: A person’s internal sense of their own gender and how they label themselves. Unlike gender expression, gender identity is not outwardly visible to others. Some common gender identities include man, woman, and non-binary.
- Gender Expression: How a person chooses to present gender outwardly, through behavior, clothing, voice, or other perceived characteristics.
- Sex: Refers to a person’s biological status and is typically assigned at birth, usually on the basis of external genital anatomy.
- Gender: Often defined as a social construct of norms, behaviors, and roles that vary between societies and over time.
- Sexual Orientation: Whom a person is attracted to and wants to have relationships with. Sexual orientations include but are not limited to gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual. It’s important to note that sexual orientation is different from gender and gender identity. Sexual orientation is about who you want to be with. Gender identity is about who you are.
Set Some Boundaries with Family and Friends
Addressing your limitations and setting boundaries can help prevent stress. This could be anything from certain traditions you’d like to not partake in, such as attending a religious service, or vocalizing topics that you’d like to not discuss at this time. If you have a family member who is supportive, it may be helpful to have them be your advocate and messenger ahead of your visit to save yourself the stress of having to repeat yourself a dozen times.
Create an Exit Strategy
Don’t feel obligated to stay at a place or event where you do not have any support systems. Feel free to develop a game plan with friends and supportive family for leaving an event by a certain time, or staying in a hotel or with friends instead of with relatives. This may also look like planning for friends to check-in during gatherings that we know could be challenging to provide support and provide an exit strategy if that becomes needed. Your mental and physical health is what matters most. If you need to walk away from any toxic environments, that’s okay.
Make a Self-Care Plan
Self-care can help us feel calmer, and it can give you a sense of control when things feel out of hand. Be sure to take some time to yourself to rest and decompress. Self-care can be anything from a solo walk, scheduling time to connect with friends, eating your favorite foods, or even doing nothing at all. Planning time for self-care can help to ensure that we take care of ourselves, and can be particularly vital during busy times of the year like the holiday season.
Spend Time with Your Chosen Family
It can feel like you have some responsibility to visit and spend time with your blood relatives, but remember that you do not have to spend time with anyone you do not want to. Take some time to get together with the people you interact with on a more routine basis and celebrate the season the way you want to. It can be as simple as a coffee chat or a more elaborate holiday party.
As we navigate the holidays this year and every year, know that your identity is not contingent on your family’s ability to understand or validate them. You know yourself best, and you are the expert on you.
To learn more about gender identity and sexual orientation, as well as tips for navigating difficult conversations, visit PlannedParenthood.org/learn.
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