Author - Age 21*
I keep my trauma in a little box in the back of my mind. For a long time, it ran wild; my every thought revolved around what had happened and how it had fundamentally changed me. With the help of a network of support, along with the passage of time, I was able to sweep up the mess and put it in the box. And now that’s where my trauma lives. A little box in the back of my mind.
It took a great deal of work to put this box together. But with countless tears, a Protection from Abuse order, and endless therapy sessions, I got to a healthy point. I had dealt with my trauma and its aftermath, and I had gotten to a safe place. Now and again, I open the box and look inside. I work with this pain, but mostly in small doses because otherwise it will swallow me up once again. In my mind, I felt I had control of the situation, a handle on my emotions. I suppose that was true – until the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.
September 27th, 2018 will be a day I remember forever; in fact, it will be a day history remembers for decades to come. I sat in awe of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, standing in front of a panel of mostly white men with her right hand raised, about to relive her worst nightmare. I was watching in a classroom of 30+ people, and each of us held our breath. It was a unanimous feeling of uneasiness and stress, from conservatives and liberals alike.
Although I had thought about the hearing for weeks prior, I figured I would be fine. Like I said, my trauma was wrapped up tightly in the little box. I knew where it was and I knew what was in it. I thought nothing would rattle me; I thought the days of my emotions and thoughts running wild were far in the past.
I made it through my class period only wiping my eyes with a few stray tears. I was emotional, no doubt, but I was composed. However, I wandered to a secluded lounge in my school building to continue watching. I could feel myself becoming more and more overwhelmed, desperately trying to keep the little box shut. But soon enough, I burst into tears.
The flood gates opened, and so did the box. All the emotions I had thought were once gone came rushing back. As I sat and watched Dr. Ford, I was reminded so closely of my own assault and the impact it had on my life. Although I knew it was making my mental health much worse to keep watching, I felt an almost compulsive need to stay glued to the live-stream. I wanted – no, rather needed – to know what was going on.
As I continued to watch, I truly couldn’t believe what was happening. The Republicans hid behind the woman prosecutor, who tore into Dr. Ford’s credibility and recollection. Next, the Democrats bore into Judge Kavanaugh and his behavior. Both sides were ruthless and full of rage. What struck me most was the fact that the testimonies reinforced all the gender-biases I had known my whole life growing up as a woman. In order to have ANY shot of the Republicans believing her, Dr. Ford had to stay collected, acting respectful and feminine. In stark contrast, Judge Kavanaugh was truly belligerent, going as far as even questioning back to one of the female senators. But, in our world, a white man can get away with any behavior he wants – even sexual assault. Not only will Judge Kavanaugh get away with his actions, but he will, I think, be voted onto the Supreme Court of the United States regardless.
I haven’t been able to shake the pit in my stomach since the hearing happened. I know each day Senators are talking about which way they are going to vote, and each day I can’t believe so many of them are still voting “yes.” To me, this is a message sent to all women: they don’t care about us. Not only will appointing Judge Kavanaugh be putting a rapist on the Supreme Court, but he will begin an assault on our rights. As well, he could be the potential swing vote on controversial issues that could hurt large groups of people, particularly minorities. I fear for what our future holds.
Right now, my trauma is not in the little box in the back of my mind. This hearing has let all those emotions run loose, and I have to spend significant time each day processing these thoughts. I have begun picking up the pieces, putting them back where they belong, but I know this will not be quick. And I know I am not alone in this struggle. Millions of women all over the country have to sweep up the remains of things they thought they had put away, emotions they had stored in the very corners of their brains. This hearing has awoken past and present trauma, reminding us of our pain and struggle. If that was not simply enough, the vote for Kavanaugh stands to tell all women exactly what we were always afraid of: they don’t believe us. How are you supposed to box that up? How are you supposed to deal with the nation’s leaders reinforcing all your greatest fears? Are we even capable of putting that in a box in the back of our minds?
Tags: Courts, MeToo, Brett Kavanaugh