me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 3 months.. he always asks me when were gonna have sex? he says it will make us become closer. i always say i dont know because im not ready but sometimes i feel that if i just do it it will make us closer.. am i right or wrong?
Having sex can bring people closer or it can push people apart — especially if one of them isn’t into it.
It sounds like you know how you feel about sex — you’re not ready to do it yet. That’s what matters. You’re the only person who should decide when you have sex and who you have sex with.
Sex is an important way for lots of couples to feel close to one another. But one of the biggest ground rules of sex is that both partners should want to do it. Having sex with a partner when both of you are ready can be awesome. But deciding to have sex is a big deal, and rushing into it could make you feel like you’re sacrificing your wants and values for your boyfriend — and that’s not going to make your relationship any stronger or closer. In fact, it can make it a whole lot worse.
Talking about this stuff with your boyfriend might be scary at first, but being clear about what you want and what you feel ready for is an important part of any good relationship. If your boyfriend doesn’t respect what you think and want, or if he keeps pressuring you to have sex, then it’s probably time to think about whether this relationship is right for you. But hopefully he’s a nice guy and a good boyfriend, and he’ll respect your feelings and thoughts.
It can help to:
- Write a list in your journal or diary of all your reasons for not being ready for sex yet, so you have it all clear in your own mind.
- Practice what you want to say to your boyfriend in front of a mirror, or with a friend, or write that out in your journal, too.
- Make a plan to talk to him when you’re not in the “heat of the moment” — a time when you have some privacy but aren’t hooking up.
- Think about what you’ll say to start the conversation. It might just be “I have something I wanted to say” or “I’ve been thinking about whether we should have sex, and I’ve made a decision.” You might have to just blurt it out when you have a chance, and that’s fine. Life is like that sometimes.