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OK, so a few months ago, I found out my boyfriend did something sexual with his ex, when they were still together. He got tested, and everything’s fine physically, but he didn’t tell me for almost a year of us dating. How can I get pass the hurt like I want to? 

Feeling  uncomfortable about your partner’s sexual history is normal. Lots of us feel weird thinking about what our bf or gf was up to in the sexual/romantic department before we came along. Feeling a little bit of jealousy (or other general ickiness) about this stuff is normal.

But there’s an important distinction to make here: did your boyfriend lie to you outright (i.e., you asked him about his sexual history and he told you something that wasn’t true), or was this just something he didn’t bring up? If it’s the former, your boyfriend violated your trust, and trust is a critical part of a good relationship. If it’s the latter, it’s worth having a talk with him about why he didn’t choose to share that part of his past with you, and why that makes you feel bad. He might have kept this to himself because he thought it would hurt your feelings, he felt embarrassed about it, or he just didn’t think it was important. Everyone gets to decide how much of their romantic history to share with their current bf or gf — with the exception of stuff that might put someone’s health at risk, like STDs. You each have your own feelings about how much is appropriate to share, and talking about it can help you work through those feelings together and grow closer.

It might feel like some (or a lot!) of your hurt isn’t coming from being angry at your boyfriend — it’s coming from feeling bad about the idea of him with some other girl. But former relationships are just that: former. Your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex isn’t a reflection on you, and it’s not something that has to affect you guys. What really matters is how you feel about your relationship right now.

Tags: boyfriend, dating, relationships, secrets, trust