How can I come out as gay/lesbian to my friends?

Someone asked us: I am 16 years old, and I am having trouble in school with friends. I have told a few of them I am gay. Yet I date a boy that I know, and I have dated him a year and a half. I don’t feel so connected to him, because I’d rather love a girl than him. I much rather be myself than lie to myself. I do love the boy, just I’m gay and would rather be with a girl. How can I tell him without him hating me?

Deciding whether to come out to friends and loved ones is a personal choice that can bring up a lot of different feelings. You may feel scared, unsure, or confused about whether coming out is something you need or want to do. In the end, it’s a decision that only you can make. 

You may want to start by talking to the people you're closest to first — the people who already love and accept you, no matter what. Those people can help support you as you come out to others in your life. 

The people who you’re closest to and trust can also help you plan and prepare for any negative reactions that may happen when coming out, and how you can feel supported and safe if  that happens. You can also talk with them about the risks involved with coming out, and if these are risks worth taking. 

Know that you don't have to come out to everyone at the same time. It's a process, and it doesn't need to happen all at once. 

Any worries you have about people hating you for being gay can be caused by expectations from your family, community, or media. This is called homophobia. You’re allowed to love whoever you want, no matter their gender. 

You may also be worried about your boyfriend feeling rejected if you two decide to break up. Breakups are really hard — it may help to explain how you feel and ask him how he feels about the situation. 

If you want to chat online with other people who are thinking about coming out and/or exploring their sexual identity, you can join a live discussion group on Q Chat Space. You can also learn more about sexuality with imi, a free digital tool for LGBTQ+ teens.

Learn more about coming out.

Tags: lesbian, bisexual, gay, sexual orientation, coming out