Why it's important to check in during sex

Sexual consent means agreeing to participate in a sexual activity. But saying "yes" doesn't mean you can't say "no" to what makes you uncomfortable — or things you simply don't want to do.  Once you give  — or get — consent, don't think it covers everything you might want to do with someone. One “yes” doesn’t mean you have full permission for anything and everything without asking again. And you’re also not a mind reader, so communication is critical.

This is where checking in comes in. 

This can be a lot sexier than it may sound. When you and your partner(s) show you care about making each other feel good, communication can be really hot. But if you're new to the idea of checking in, it may feel uncomfortable at first. So here are a few ways to get you started: 

1. How are you feeling? 
   Taking the time to ask how your partner is feeling in the moment can make it easier for them to let you know about any concerns they have or changes they want. If they’re not feeling so great about what you’re doing, you can work together to change it up. And if your partner isn’t quite sure how they’re feeling, it may be time to stop and talk about it. 
    
2. Is this comfortable for you? 
   If they’re feeling comfortable, great! If not, you can talk about what to change to make it better for them. 
    

3. How does this feel? 
   Getting active feedback on what you’re doing can help you understand what they like and don’t like. If they’re into it, this can be a really sexy conversation. If they’re not, you can ask them what would feel good — which will make sex better for both of you.
    

4. What do you want? 

   Encouraging your partner to share what they want and how they want it is empowering for both of you. You’ll be shaping your sexual experiences together. And sharing isn’t just caring — it’s sexy! 

   You can also ask: 
   •  “Do you want to switch things up?”
   •  “Do you want to go slower/faster?” 
   •  “Do you want to go softer/harder?”
   •  “Do you want to keep going?”. 
    

5. What do you want to do after this? 

You had sex. Now what? You might want to cuddle, or you may want to chat, grab a snack, or do something else. Checking in about this kind of thing is called “aftercare,” and it shows that you respect and care about each other’s feelings. 

Checking in during sex shows that you respect your partner(s) and care about how they feel. Learn more about how to practice consent from our Consent 101 videos, or head over to LoveIsRespect.org.