We get a lot of questions from parents about LGBTQ+ issues, ranging from how to know if your kid is LGBTQ+ to how to answer their questions about LGBTQ+ topics. And the truth is, it’s a good idea to proactively start conversations with your kid about sexual orientation and gender identity even if your kid doesn’t ask you questions, so you send the message that it’s OK and safe for them to talk with you about their feelings and identity.
It can be helpful to ground these conversations with our kids in the basics, so let’s break down these two concepts:
This is about who someone is – how they feel inside about their gender and how they express that feeling outwardly. Your gender identity and the biological sex you were assigned at birth are not always the same. Words like woman, man, nonbinary, intersex, genderqueer, cisgender, or transgender are some of the words we use to describe gender identity.
Research shows that our gender identities are formed in the preschool years, around 3-4 years old. So when your kid is quite young they can tell you if they identify as a boy or a girl (or both or neither), regardless of what body parts they have or what’s on their birth certificate. This doesn’t mean it will stay that way for the rest of their life, so you can support your kid by checking in with them once in a while about whether they see themselves as a boy, girl, both, or neither. You can also support them by encouraging them to express themselves openly — for example letting them wear clothes styles and colors they like and feel good in, instead of trying to fit them into a gender stereotype.
Another important element of gender identity is how it relates to biological sex. If your kid was born intersex, the most supportive thing you can do is be honest with them about their body, and let them figure out their gender on their own. Unless it’s necessary to treat a specific health problem, avoid any medical interventions. If someday they want gender-affirming health care, it can be their choice.
This is about who you’re attracted to or want to have romantic relationships with. We use words like straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or asexual to describe who we’re attracted to.
Generally we start to get a sense of our sexual orientation when we begin to experience sexual attraction to people, which is often linked with puberty (though some start figuring it out earlier). It’s a good idea to expose your kids to different kinds of sexual orientations and couples, and not just assume that they’ll be straight. This can help them build stronger self-esteem and self-awareness as they grow up, regardless of their sexual orientation.
And finally, keep in mind that everyone has a sexual orientation, and everyone has a gender identity. So no matter your values, identities, or experiences, talking about these topics with your kids benefits everybody.
Tags: sexual orientation, parents, gender identity