How to talk about sexual choking with your teen

You may have read that sexual choking may be more common than it used to be among young adults. And it might feel scary to think about how your teen might, at some point, navigate choking during sex. If you feel alarmed by the trend, try not to worry. The findings of one study don’t necessarily mean this is a nationwide trend. So focus on the good news: This is actually a good and timely opportunity to broach some sex education topics — even if you’ve been having these kinds of conversations with your teen for a while now. Here are 3 ways to begin to talk with your teen about choking:

1. Discuss pornography. With no one to tell them otherwise, teens could come to the conclusion that porn is an instruction guide for sex. You can play an important role in  helping your teen process what they might accidentally — or on purpose — find online. In sex education we call this “media literacy”. Men choking women is an increasingly common activity in porn. Talk about how, for many people, porn is viewed as entertainment. At its core, porn is created as profit-making content —  with paid professionals and contracts where people agree in advance what they will and won’t do, with all sorts of sexism and racism baked in. And the goal is attracting maximum views to make money. Remind them that porn is no more a manual for how to have sex than movies like Fast & Furious are a how-to-drive series. Learn more about teens and porn.
2. Emphasize consent and communication. Open communication is the most important part of any sexual experience. You might begin by asking them about their own experiences with consent and boundaries. Highlight how talking to partners about what's comfortable, what isn't — and then, respecting those boundaries — is always critical, regardless of whether it's a topic you and your teen have already discussed. Be sure your teen knows it’s never OK to start choking someone without asking them first — and giving them space to say “no”. Make it clear that they have every right to say “no” if they don’t want to be choked, and their “no” should be respected. And if it’s not respected, that’s sexual assault. On the flip side, if choking is ever something they’re thinking about trying, it's important to talk with their partner about how to make it safe and enjoyable (i.e. hand positioning, time limits, signals to stop).
3. Talk about gender norms. Of course, it's no coincidence that the available data shows sexual choking is mostly done by men to women —  that’s plain old sexism. In our culture, men are sent the message — especially in porn — that they should be aggressors in sex; and women are sent the message that they are passive objects, and have sexual things done to them. So talk about gender roles and stereotypes regularly with your teen. Ask them why they think those stereotypes exist and what they mean for power dynamics in sex and relationships. This will help them think for themselves and be less influenced by the unhealthy messages they might get from the media, friends, and partners about gender.  

Finally, if your teen experiences choking during sex without their consent, make sure they know it wasn’t their fault, and help connect them with resources like LoveisRespect.org. For more support and resources on how to talk with your teen about all kinds of sex education topics, check out plannedparenthood.org/parents.