Ask yourself this: Are you right-handed?
At some point back when you were a baby, you instinctively started picking things up with one hand or the other.
Now ask yourself, are you straight?
Like being right-handed, sexual orientation starts very, very young — usually before puberty and before people start having sex. It's the part of your sexuality that leads you to choose romantic and sexual partners of one gender or another (or both). It may even begin to develop before birth. Although it may shift in the course of a lifetime for some people, sexual orientation is not something we can decide for ourselves or for others. In fact, sexual orientation cannot be changed by psychotherapy or other interventions.
Sexual orientation is about who we are attracted to. "Straight" refers to people who have opposite-sex attraction. When a man is sexually and romantically drawn to other men, that's called "gay." Women who have same-sex attraction are called "lesbians." People who are drawn to both men and women are "bisexual."
Many people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual call themselves "queer." "Queer" can also include other forms of sexual orientation that don't fit the label of straight, such as transgender, transsexual, transvestite.
Queer is a delicate word with a difficult history. For a long time it was (and still is) used in an insulting, attacking way — a hateful label used to spread intolerance and judgement. But as sexual orientation has come out of the closet, so to speak, many non-straight people have worked to reclaim ownership over the word "queer." When used with respect, it is now accepted by many as a powerful word that captures the breadth and diversity of non-straight sexual orientations and non-conforming gender identities.
When we talk about all these non-straight identities, we often use the term LGBTQ, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer or questioning. "Questioning" means people are not sure what their sexual orientation is. This is very common, especially in teenagers, and it is completely normal. It can take a long time for us to figure out our sexual orientations.
It's Perfectly Normal
Throughout history, some religious, scientific, and cultural organizations have condemned same-sex love as an unnatural, sinful act of choice. Even today, many people continue to disapprove and there are lots of debates about what causes same-sex attractions to develop.
But a few things are certain:
- Sexual orientation is not a matter of choice.
- It is not a disease.
- It cannot be "cured" through therapy or medical treatment.
- No amount of pretending will make you different than you are.
- All sexual orientations are perfectly normal.
Sexual orientation is a basic part of each person's identity, and LGBTQ people are just as loving, ethical, productive, smart, beautiful, and human as straight people. Same-sex love is normal, healthy, and just as likely to lead to fulfilling, happy, committed relationships as "straight" love.
So when do people figure out whether they're LGBTQ? And if you are LGBTQ, do you tell people? When?
Looking back, some LGBTQ adults will say they knew very early that they were not straight, as early as third or fourth grade. Others weren't sure until they were in college or even later. There's no formula for this stuff, and there's no rush. If you have questions about yourself, start paying attention to the signals that you're getting from your brain and your body ... eventually you'll have a very clear picture of what attracts you
Coming Out
It will help a lot if you can be comfortable with who you are. Going public with the information is a bit more difficult.
Maybe you're the skinny, artsy guy who everybody at school calls a "fag." Or maybe you laugh nervously every time your friends talk about the "dyke" gym teacher, knowing that they'd say the same about you if they only knew the truth.
In these situations, when you want to fit in, to avoid getting tormented by evil classmates, and to duck your parents' shaming judgments, you realize that there are a lot of harsh reasons why people hide their true selves from the public eye.
But you also get to decide for yourself when and with whom you want to discuss your feelings. In the long run, silence does equal death and the truth really will set you free. Nearly all lesbian and gay people will tell you that coming out — in their own time, on their own terms — was the best thing they've ever done, regardless of the consequences that they seemed to pay on the surface. But remember, coming out at the wrong place or time can have negative consequences. It depends on the situation. So take your time — there's no rush — you get to choose the time and the terms for your coming out.
Eventually you'll feel ready. You'll realize that you have the power to protect yourself, to choose the right person, the right situation. In the meantime, teach yourself these lessons:
- You are totally okay, just as you are.
- You are not alone — there are millions and millions of LGBTQ people in the world! They live in every culture and speak every language.
- Same-sex attraction and sex play occurs throughout the animal kingdom — from swans to grizzly bears — in birds, fish, reptiles, and mammals. It’s totally natural.
- You have a basic human right to be who you are.
Once you accept yourself, you have all the power you need to protect yourself.
Gay or Straight — You Are Who You Are
And here's the real surprise ... these lessons are true even if you're straight!
There's no reason that LGBTQ people are the only ones who get to be empowered about sexual identity. Many of straight people march alongside gays in the annual Pride Parades that happen nationwide, drawing strength from the courage it takes to stand up and declare your right to be in the world just as you are.
So here's my last thought about sexual orientation: No matter how much we want this stuff to be clear-cut, it's often hazy for a while. Be gentle with yourself, and be patient. Your heart won't steer you wrong forever.
