Your friend has something to tell you, and it's something big: "I'm gay."
Do you know what to do?
Thank your friend for being open with you, and congratulate yourself for being there for her or him.
"Understand that their coming out to you is a HUGE compliment and honor," says one guy who's exited the closet. "They trust you enough to share something that is not easy to reveal in our society. They have told you because they value you and want to be honest."
Here are some ways to show respect to your friend when she or he gives you the scoop:
- "You're my friend, no matter what."
She or he's probably wondered if you will shut her or him out. Put her or his mind at ease. If a hug feels right, go for it. - "Thanks for telling me. I know it took guts."
Acknowledge her or his courage. - "Well, what I don't understand is..."
You have concerns? It's okay to ask, as long as you are gentle and respectful, and don't overwhelm her or him with questions. Don't expect her or him to have all the answers. Or you might want to wait until you've educated yourself a bit. - "You know I would never talk to others about your business."
Tell her or him you will respect her or his privacy. - "If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. Any time."
She or he may need you now more than ever. - "I understand why you might be afraid."
Think coming out is no biggie? Get real. Lesbians and gays are often discriminated against. They may lose friendships and family relationships. They might even face violence.
If you're the same gender as your friend, don't assume she or he is attracted to you. This is probably not the case. But if there are feelings beyond friendship that you don't share — these can be discussed and dealt with.
Later on
You and your friend had your heart-to-heart a while ago. Continue to show your support:
- "Hello? It's me again!" Let him or her know you're still friends by calling often.
- "Let's do something." Be prepared to fill gaps left by the possible loss of support by others.
- "It's okay. I know you're not mad at me." Your friend may have mood swings due to some difficult situations she or he may be dealing with. Make it known you don't take it personally.
- Your friend hasn't said one word to you since the big revelation? She or he may not feel it's okay to talk about gay stuff with you. Try bringing it up casually. (On the other hand, respect her or his right not to talk about it if she or he doesn't want to.)
You messed up?
"About what I said when you came out to me ... "
Let's say you didn't handle your friend's coming out the way you wish you had. Instead of worrying and feeling bad about it, take action. Reach out. Apologize. Explain. Anyone will tell you friendship is a treasure — but no one says it's always easy.
