Your best friend calls and says she's had a fight with her boyfriend. Do you crook the phone between your shoulder and your ear and do your nails while she spills her guts? One of your teammates corners you in the hall at school. He tells you he's failing geometry, and he'll be kicked off the team. Do you continue listening to your favorite tunes on your headset while you pretend to give him your attention?
Listening Between the Words
Listening well is a skill. It requires an effort that a good friend would want to make. Sometimes it involves hearing both what is said and what lies hidden in someone's tone of voice. Listening also means reading someone's body language. Being a good listener requires being responsive to your friend's feelings. As a good friend, your job is to help your friend sort out and understand those feelings.
Ac-KNOWLEDGE Is Power
Empathizing with your friend's feelings is important because it can establish a level of safety and comfort. You may not agree with your friend's feelings, but you need to acknowledge them. Two of the most difficult things you will need to do are (1) not over- or under-react and (2) try to limit how much of your own feelings that you insert into the conversation.
While you listen, when it's appropriate, interject sentences like
- "You really sound upset."
- "That must have made you angry."
Ask open-ended questions, which require more than a "yes" or "no" answer; for example:
- "How did you feel when that happened?"
- "What do you want to do now?"
Show You Understand
As you listen, occasionally try to repeat your friend's problem in your own words. This will show you are listening and understand. But don't repeat your friend's words exactly. That just shows you have a good memory.
The Choice is NOT Yours
Your role is to help your friend find her own solutions. By listening and offering several options, you can help your friend make her own choice and accept ownership of the end result.
Keep It Real
Maintain eye contact. This allows your friend to know you are focusing on what he is telling you. Keep your comments and questions related to what your friend has told you. Changing the subject or asking irrelevant questions will cause the conversation to drift.
When you are listening, always be yourself. You're not a professional counselor. Talk to him, look directly at him, and personalize the conversation by the use of "I" and "you." Avoid using "why" questions. "Why" questions cause people to rationalize their behavior, to find excuses. "How" questions will help your friend search for solutions.
Taking Action
If your friend's problem is really serious, have the courage to name the problem, whether your friend is contemplating suicide or has a physically abusive partner. Always encourage your friend to seek professional help for a life-threatening situation. If your friend refuses, in cases of a possible suicide attempt, or sexual or physical abuse, you should seek help for your friend through your school counselor, religious adviser, teacher, parents, or other trusted adult, and then pass the information on to your friend.
It's not easy to be a good listener, but with practice and patience you can learn. (WARNING: Other people's problems are personal. Don't go spilling what you've heard around the cafeteria.) If you remember to empathize, actively listen, maintain eye contact, paraphrase, refrain from asking "why" questions, and not try to offer "easy" solutions, you will find that you, too, can be a good listener.
