How does it feel to have someone you care about cheat on you? My friends say: "It just about killed me." "I've never felt so betrayed." "I thought I'd puke."
What Is Cheating?
It depends. It's cheating if a partner defies the ground rules of the relationship. But there are different kinds of relationships and that means different rules may apply for different couples. Some people may consider flirting with an online buddy cheating, and some people may think cheating only applies to having sex or sex play with someone else cheating. That's why it's important to make our expectations clear to our partners about what's cool and what's not.
Why Cheat?
People cheat on their partners for many reasons. Some people are looking for a new thrill or are craving excitement. It might be that a partner is not really committed to the relationship or is using cheating for revenge because she's angry about something you did. And some people may cheat because they just didn't have the will power to say no — using drugs and alcohol often play a role in lowering our inhibitions and causing us to make unhealthy decisions about sex.
Are You SURE?
You suspect she's cheating but you've never caught her in the act. What should you do?
- Consider your history. Did your last love cheat? Could you be overly worried?
- Talk it out. Clarify how you feel about cheating. You could bring up a TV or real-life situation: "I was shocked to hear Joe cheated on Caitlin — weren't you?" If you can be straight without sounding accusatory, try: "I've got this funny feeling. I hope it's not true." Be respectful. Give your partner a chance to listen and respond.
- Get another opinion. Talk to an impartial, trustworthy someone (maybe even a counselor).
- Protect yourself. If you're having sex with someone who's having sex with someone else, infection-wise, the three of you are sharing one bed. You are at risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection from your partner's other partner. Using condoms can reduce the risk of these infections.
Prevention
How can you avoid "cheated-on" pain? Your goal is a strong healthy connection with your partner, complete with two-way trust. These things help:
- Talk the talk. Discuss and agree on what your expectations are as a couple. Be clear about what you consider cheating. Don't just wait for the situation to arise.
- Walk the talk. You say you want an exclusive relationship, but how about your suggestive comments to that cute stranger at the coffee shop? Act as respectful to your relationship as you expect him to be.
- Don't balk at more talking. Hash out your problems as they come up, instead of collecting a gutful of grievances.
After the Fact
Some couples who have survived cheating actually claim stronger relationships, thanks to improved communication and commitment. You might be able to salvage your relationship if
- You can talk it out — no holds barred. You can tell her you won't tolerate cheating ever again. Maybe she'll be able to reassure you that it won't happen again.
- You feel confident you can learn to trust him again.
- You know the relationship is worth the work to save it.
On the other hand, in the card game of love, you gotta know when to fold 'em. Some relationships aren't worth saving. Is he good enough for you? Only you can make that decision.
Whatever happens, don't let your partner's actions wreck your life. Betrayal can feel really hurtful. When it comes to feeling hurt, the old saying rings true — time heals all wounds. A betrayal will eventually become one memory out of millions. Keep enjoying things you love to do. Never let one person ruin your outlook on all future partners.
