Have you ever wondered why you don't treat some of your friends as your equals? And why sometimes you act like you must have control over what others do and say? In general, have you ever wondered why you may treat friends or family members poorly?
In other words, are you aware that abuses may be taking place in your relationships? You may be emotionally abusing people and not be aware of what you are doing or why you are doing it. Or you may be aware of it and not know how to stop.
Abuse takes many forms. Emotional abuse is more difficult to understand than physical abuse. Unlike physical abuse, where you can see the wounds and scars, emotional damage leaves hidden scars, which could become worse and hurt more in the long run. Emotional damage does not heal quickly.
It is important to identify all the signs of abuse in a relationship, whether you are the abused or the abuser. You don't want to allow any abusive relationship to fester. If you do, the anger, pain, and insecurity that cause the abuse can become a major part of your personality. Then, as the years pass, you could destroy important bonds between yourself and friends and family members and, as a result, hurt yourself.
You can learn to recognize the signs of abuse in relationships. Here's some help. Think about the following questions:
- When you and a partner talk about going to a movie and you don't agree about which movie to go to, do you get angry, maybe start a major argument, and demand to get your way?
- If you and your partner are at a party where everyone knows your partner and no one knows you, do you become jealous and wind up spending most of the party feeling like you have to protect yourself?
- A student at your school tells you that he is scared of being the goalie in the soccer game at school, and he asks you to keep it a secret. Even though you think it is kind of silly and you don't know the person that well, would you start telling other people, knowing full well that this will hurt the person?
- A friend comes to you with a problem about her relationship with a family member. Do you become annoyed at having to take time to listen to the problem and/or tell your friend that what she is feeling is stupid?
- Your friends tell you their opinions about a new student club. You don't agree with those opinions. Would you insult the people whose opinions do not match your own?
- A lot of your friends are poking fun at a new student who has a physical handicap. Would you join them, or maybe even lead them on in mocking this person?
- When a friend disappoints you by showing up late for an appointment that is very important to you, do you feel outraged and rejected — so angry, even, that you would like to throw something at her?
If you answered "yes" to most of the questions above, you may be abusive in your relationships.
Now, what can you do about it?
Realizing there is abusive behavior going on is the first step in correcting the problem. You should understand that abusers hurt other people's feelings mostly to protect themselves from being hurt. We might try to protect ourselves by behaving badly, the very way we don't want others to act toward us.
One way to correct this is to talk more and react less. Discuss your strong feelings with friends and family members, as opposed to expressing your feelings with anger. Trust in others is important. Remember that no one can always be right and that someone else may be able to help you solve these problems.
Another way is to ask yourself if you behave in abusive ways because you think no one accepts you for who you are. Do you feel that people won't listen to you unless you use attack methods to make your points? Do you feel no one respects what you think or why you think that way? You need to learn to feel good about yourself without the approval or disapproval of others. Having self-esteem can only help your relationships.
If you maintain the role of the abuser in a relationship, you will lose the respect of others and you may well drive them away. This will leave you lonely, angry, and unable to cope with school, work, sports, and the ability to enjoy life.
If you are being abusive or think you may exhibit abusive behaviors from time to time and feel you need help understanding these situations further, you should consult with a school counselor, a parent, or a close friend.
