Guess what I learned today? That I could buy a gizmo from a magazine ad to INCREASE MY BREAST SIZE! Also, some helpful person e-mailed to let me know I could ADD INCHES TO MY PENIS (not that I have one — but, hey, it's the thought that counts). Really, what's UP with these "enhancing" products?

Do They Work?

Well, no ... and yes.

NO. Nothing will permanently enlarge your breasts or your penis except breast augmentation or penile enlargement surgery (both procedures can be painful, expensive, risky, and can have nasty side effects). In theory, lotions and creams loaded with estrogen might enlarge a woman's breasts — but anything you can buy without a doctor's prescription has so little estrogen in it that you might as well smear guacamole on your chest. Penis pumps are legit, but only for men with problems with getting an erection. They won't enlarge your penis.

YES. These enhancer/developers/enlargers REALLY DO WORK ... for the folks selling them. The gadget/cream sellers experience INSTANTANEOUS, AMAZING, MIRACULOUS GROWTH of their bank accounts.

"Only an Idiot Would Fall for These Scams!"

Wrong. I've known several intelligent people who've ordered "enhancers" from the backs of magazines. Why? The incredible power of wishful thinking momentarily triumphed over my friends' usual common sense.

What kind of "medical miracles" did they get in return for their money? One of my buddies got a penis enhancer, otherwise known as a (very expensive) magnifying glass. A girlfriend now owns an incredible breast enlarger, actually a photograph of a man's hand (we're still trying to figure that one out). Another friend has quite a contraption. It's a plastic cone that fits over one breast with a hose that hooks up to the faucet. The water whooshing around my friend's breast is supposed to stimulate growth.

"So, is it working?" I asked her after she owned it several months.

"Well, it hasn't increased my breast size," my friend said. "But it sure does feel good."

Oh-KAY.

Every one of my friends told me they wished they hadn't wasted their money.

What to Watch For

Anything that sounds too good to be true is likely to be pure bull. Be leery of these scam buzzwords:

  • instant results
  • guaranteed results
  • descriptions like "secret remedy," "miraculous," "amazing breakthrough"
  • money-back guarantees (Never expect to actually get your money back!)

So, What Does Work?

Bottom line — nothing you can buy through the mail will make your breasts or penis permanently larger.

Girls, you can always try the time-honored method of morphing your A-cups into C's — padded bras. Exercises that strengthen your chest muscles won't enlarge the breasts themselves, but some people believe they improve the chest's appearance.

But here's an enhancer guaranteed to provide you with a brand-new outlook on your breasts or your penis: Give up trying to look like media's ideal-of-the-day and work on accepting yourself as you are. The more you learn to love these intimate parts of your body, the less likely you'll be tempted to spend your bucks on lame "development" scams.