Children and teens benefit from talking with their parents about sensitive topics like sexuality. Here are 10 keys to success for talking with your child:
1. Start early and take the lead.
When it comes to sex and sexuality, many parents are worried about giving children too much information too early. The truth is that it’s easiest for us to develop good communication with our children when they are young.We can start by using correct terms for all body parts — including the sex organs — and by pointing out how children’s and adults’ bodies are different.
Many parents wait for their kids to bring up difficult topics, but many kids are too nervous to do that. The result can be years of silence. Sometimes, as parents, we have to step in and start the conversation.
If our children are already in their teens, it’s not too late to start talking. But good communication takes time to develop. The sooner we start, the better.
2. Find the right time.
Before we start talking, we need to make sure we have the time to have the conversation. Our children deserve our time and our undivided attention.Finding the right time includes making the best of teachable moments — everyday moments in our lives that can prompt a conversation, like seeing a pregnant woman. Sometimes we can have the conversation right away. But if we do not have time, or the situation makes having a conversation difficult, it’s okay to say so. We can say, “Let’s talk about that later.” We just need to be sure to follow through and bring up the topic again at an agreed time.
3. Find the right places and situations for talking.
Finding the right place to talk helps make the conversation more comfortable. Some parents and children talk more easily when they’re doing something else — taking a walk, traveling in a car, playing a game, or cooking. Some people like having little eye contact when they’re talking — like asking questions from the back seat. And some people like being face-to-face — like sitting at the dinner table across from one another. We may have to try out different places before we find one that’s really comfortable.4. Talk a little bit at a time.
Some of us plan “the talk” for months, expecting to say everything important in one afternoon. Then, when “the talk” doesn’t go as planned, we get frustrated.Doing a little bit at a time helps set realistic goals when we talk with our children. It also helps keeps children from feeling overwhelmed. We can set time limits. We might say, “Let’s talk for fifteen minutes,” and end the conversation when time’s up. It’s all right if we don’t get everything said at once. We can pick up the conversation another time.
5. Let our children know we’re available.
We show we are available by not putting our children off unless it’s necessary. We must also let our body language, facial expression, and tone of voice support what we say. Our children are very good at reading us, so we need to pay attention to all the signals we give.By paying attention to our body language — not crossing our arms over our bodies, sitting at the same level as our children, leaning toward them, and speaking in a moderate, easy tone — we show our children how much we care about them.
6. Spend more time listening than talking, and get to know the world our children live in.
Listening to children shows them that we’re interested in and respect what they have to say. We don’t always have to agree with what we hear, but it is important to pay attention to what they say. And it’s important to try to understand their world. What pressures are they dealing with? What do they consider normal?We can try to find out by asking open-ended questions, like “Why do you think that people sometimes treat boys and girls differently?” “What do most kids at your school mean when they say they are hooking up with someone?”
It’s always tempting to jump in and give our point of view, but if we spend some time just listening and asking questions, we help our children learn how to explain their ideas clearly. We get to know each other even better and we build trust by showing we really care about our children’s thoughts and feelings.
7. Being honest with our children encourages them to be honest with us.
It is very important to gain our children’s trust when we talk with them about sex and sexuality. We want them to come to us when they are making decisions, when they have questions, and when they have problems. If we are always honest, their trust in us will grow, and they will continue to come to us for advice about their concerns.8. Respect our children’s privacy as much as we value our own.
We shouldn’t pry, and we shouldn’t let our kids pry. We don’t have to answer questions we don’t want to answer, and neither do they. We can all decide what we’re comfortable about sharing with each other. For example, if a child or teen asks when we first had sex, and we don’t want to answer, we might say, “I don’t feel comfortable answering that right now,” or, “I’d like to keep that private.” We need to respect that our children may want to keep things private sometimes, too.9. Build self-esteem and don’t use scare tactics.
Many of us think that frightening stories will help keep our children from taking risks and help them to postpone becoming sexually active. But that is not true. The best way to keep our children from taking risks is to help them build self-esteem. We must give them credit for their talents, accomplishments, and insights. We can help them most by offering constructive advice and by avoiding criticism and punishment. And we must assure them in all our interactions with them that they are normal.10. Make it a habit to share values and beliefs, and remain connected.
The most important way for us to share our values and beliefs is to model them for our children. By setting good examples that show how our lives are enriched by our values, we encourage our children to embrace our values, too.It is also important for us to tell our children or teens about our values and beliefs. It is equally important for us to understand theirs. We might say to a child, “I believe that everyone has the right to be respected. Do you agree with that?” You might say to a teen, “I don’t believe anyone is allowed to pressure or force anyone else to have sex, even in a relationship. Do you agree with that?” We must be unafraid to state our values, and we must encourage our children to be fearless in expressing theirs.
Children may do or say things to try to shock us. Teens may have values and beliefs that are different than ours. Our job is to reassure our kids that we will love them and support them even if they don’t agree with us. If we can’t seem to agree with our children about certain issues, we can drop the topic for a while and agree to disagree. With time, we and they may feel differently.
You might use all these tips or decide to just start out with one or two of them. Honesty and a non-judgmental attitude will open the door to good communication, but it also takes practice, so don’t worry if it doesn’t go as smoothly as you’d like.
Learn more about talking with your child about sex.
