How to Answer Questions About Sex
Many of us find ourselves at a loss for words when a child asks us a question about sexuality. Whether it’s a question about tampons, a pregnant relative, sexual orientation, or some other topic that may be challenging, it’s important to answer honestly and with the facts. This helps prevent the guilt, fear, and ignorance that can lead to problems such as unwanted pregnancy, sexual abuse, sexually transmitted infections, and unhappy relationships. And children will learn to be honest with you when you are honest with them. This will help them be comfortable when they want to come to you for advice about any concerns or problems they may have.
It is okay to be embarrassed, uncomfortable, or at a loss for words. As parents, we don’t always feel comfortable in our role as sexuality educator. Here are some tips for answering children’s questions. We hope they’re helpful.
How Do I Answer My Child’s Questions About Sex and Sexuality?
Our children have various reasons for asking us questions about sex and sexuality. They might ask out of curiosity. They may need help making a decision or making sense of the world. Or they may need to be reassured that they are “normal.” Children may also disguise their real questions with other questions. So, no matter how surprising their questions may be, children always need honest, factual answers.
Here are some tips:
- Try to find out what the child is really asking. What seems like a straightforward question might not be. To find out the true nature of the question, you might ask, “What have you heard about that?” “What do you think about that?” or “Can you tell me what you already know about that?”
- Don’t assume there’s anything beside curiosity behind the question. A young girl may ask a question about pregnancy without being pregnant. A young boy may ask a question about condoms without planning to have sexual intercourse.
- Answer questions age-appropriately. Pre-teens and younger adolescents may need simpler, more concrete answers. Older adolescents may need more detail and may be able to understand more complex answers. The ability to handle more information and more sophisticated information increases with age — but if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to understand the facts.
- Don’t answer with too much information. Keep answers short and simple. Try to use words that a child understands. Take time to explain new words the child might not have heard before. Try to find out what the child already knows. After giving an answer, encourage your child to ask follow-up questions by asking, “Is there anything else you would like to know?”
- Say it again. Children need to hear the answers to the same questions over and over, so don’t be surprised if children ask the same questions again and again.
- Check their understanding. After answering the question, ask, “Does that answer your question?” Ask them to tell you what they heard. You may even want to bring up issues you already talked about to find out how much your child understood during the previous conversation.
What Are the Questions Children Commonly Ask?
Children have different questions and concerns about sex and sexuality as they get older. Here are some common questions that children ask at each age:
Pre-School
How do babies get in your tummy?
What’s that? (pointing to a woman’s breast, or other body parts.)
How come I have a penis and you don’t?
What is a …tampon? …condom? … birth control patch? (or other object they might come across)
Why do girls look different than boys?Elementary School
Is it okay to touch yourself?
Does it hurt to have a baby?
How do people get AIDS?
How do animals do it?
When will I be able to shave?
Why does so-and-so only have a mommy (or daddy)?
Why does so-and-so have two mommies (or daddies)?
Where does the baby come from?
Do boys have periods?
What does “gay” mean?
What kind of birth control do you use?Junior High/Middle School
How does a man’s seed get into a woman?
How do people know how to do “it”?
How do you know when puberty is over?
Can a guy ejaculate without really knowing it?
How old should you be to have sex?
Is abortion okay?
How big will my breasts get?
Is it true that a girl can’t get pregnant the first time she has sex?
Can a girl get pregnant before she’s 16?
Can a woman get pregnant if she’s a lesbian?
How do you learn how to kiss?High School
What’s the best birth control method?
Should people have sex if they’re in love?
How do you get the pill?
What would you think if I got pregnant?
How do you know when you’re in love?
Is it true that boys need to have sex more than girls?
Is abortion wrong?
Is it true that the pill causes cancer?
Do old people still have sex?
Can you get AIDS from making out with someone?
At what age do you think it’s best to have children?
Does it hurt to lose your virginity?
Reading about what children should know about sexuality at each age may help you better anticipate other questions your child may ask.
Learn more about talking with your child about sex.
