Below are the responses to many of our frequently asked questions (FAQ). Please review them first. If you do not find an answer to your question below, send an email to Ask Planned Parenthood at questions@ppmarmonte.org. We are not able to respond to all questions submitted via e-mail. However, we will post the responses to many questions below. To protect privacy we will not display names, e-mail addresses or any other personal information.

If your question is not answered we encourage you to call the FACTS OF LIFE LINE - 1-800-711-9848 or 408-277-0777 in San Jose. - Anonymous answers to your questions about birth control, pregnancy, sexuality, and more! Speak with a counselor Monday - Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., or access recorded health messages 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Can people tell if I have had sex?
2. What do I say to my friends who are asking me if I have had sex yet?
3. Who can I talk to if my parents won't talk to me about sex?
4. Is oral sex real sex?
5. How do I know I'm ready to have sex?
6. What is a wet dream and who has them?
7. Can I get pregnant the first time I have sex?
8. When can a guy get a girl pregnant?
9. Whose fault is it if a girl gets pregnant?
10. What is the best birth control method?
11. What is chlamydia?
12. What's wrong with a teen having sex anyway?

DISCLAIMER: in order to give you the medical information best suited to your needs, please see a health care professional at a Planned Parenthood clinic near you. We cannot give medical advice or diagnose medical problems on this web site or over the phone.

1. Can people tell if I have had sex?

There is a mistaken belief that other people can tell if you have sex simply by looking at you. This is NOT true. Whether you are male or female, YOU will know, and it is probably most important to know ahead of time how you will feel about that fact. If you are worried what others may think or know, it may be a sign that you are considering having sex when part of you doubts if this is the right thing to do at this time. This decision is too important to be made on the spur of the moment or to please someone else.

There is a mistaken belief that other people can tell if you have sex simply by looking at you. This is NOT true.

With males, it is virtually impossible to tell at any time.

In the case of a female, only within a few hours of sexual intercourse could a doctor tell if she had sex.

Whether you are male and female, you will know, and it is probably most important to know ahead of time how you will feel about that fact. Having sexual intercourse is an adult behavior, which is often accompanied by adult outcomes. Would you be ready to handle how you might feel if the person you had sex with wants to be with another person one day? For a young person, that is a very real possibility, and one important reason to wait until marriage or later adulthood, so that many disappointing outcomes could be avoided.

Sexual intimacy can be a spiritual and private moment with another person unless there is worry and anxiety about what others may think or know. If you are worried what others may think or know, it may be a sign that you are considering having sex when part of you doubts if this is the right thing to do at this time. No matter how compelling the idea of having sex is, it is important to listen to that part of yourself that is worried. It may be a sign that you may be getting into a potentially risky or dangerous situation. Having sex is too important to allow it to occur in the presence of emotional, spiritual or physical danger. Disappointing outcomes or hazardous health consequences (i.e. sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy) can be the result of casual or spur of the moment sex. This decision is too important to be made on the spur of the moment or to please someone else.

2. What do I say to my friends who are asking me if I have had sex yet?

Sex is a personal matter I don't discuss can be a useful answer. It is important to imagine why some would want to know about that personal part of your life. Sometimes people will say they have had sex even if they haven't just so they will fit in and to get their friends off their back. Before you talk with acquaintances about your sex life, you may want to consider if you can trust your friends. What you choose to do or not do in a sexual relationship is your business, and it should be YOUR choice to share or not with whom you want. Remember that it is O.K. not to have sex and you should not feel uncomfortable explaining your position.

It is important to imagine why some would want to know about that personal part of your life.

Friends can put a lot of pressure on you to have sex and to talk about it. Sometimes people will say they have had sex even if they haven't just so they will fit in and to get their friends off their back. Before you talk with acquaintances about your sex life, you may want to consider if you can trust your friends. What are the chances that they will keep this information confidential? Will you be the topic of rumors? Will your friends think less of you if you have had sex or not? What you choose to do or not do in a sexual relationship is your business, and it should be YOUR choice to share or not with whom you want.

3. Who can I talk to if my parents won't talk to me about sex?

There are lots of resources for honest and open discussion about sex. One question to ask is Who do I trust? Do you have an aunt or uncle, grandparent or other family member who will give you information and keep your conversation confidential. Do you have a teacher or counselor at school that you trust? Is there a person at your temple, church or synagogue who can give you trusted information? There are also health care providers who can give you information. Community agencies such as Planned Parenthood can also be helpful resources.

It is also important to NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR PARENTS! Sometimes parents would talk if they knew where to start. You might give them some clues. Ask them about their parents and what they did or said. Ask them how they learned about sex. Be careful to avoid too much embarrassment by staying away from questions that you think may be too personal.

Most parents who do not talk about sex have never had anyone with whom to discuss the topic, either.

They may not know what to say, or they may be worried about how to say it. Some community agencies, such as Planned Parenthood and family counseling centers, offer workshops for parents or parents and teens to discuss sex. Contact them for more information.

There are lots of resources for honest and open discussion about sex. One question to ask is Who do I trust? Do you have an aunt or uncle, grandparent or other family member who will give you information and keep your conversation confidential. Do you have a teacher or counselor at school that you trust? Is there a person at your temple, church or synagogue, who can give you information you can trust? There are also health care providers who can give you information. Community agencies such as Planned Parenthood can also be helpful resources.

4. Is oral sex real sex?

Oral sex is real sex. People can express affection or sexual attraction through oral sex, but they can also transmit diseases such as gonorrhea, herpes or HIV to each other just as they can when there is an exchange of body fluids. What you may really be asking here is what counts as sex. When we talk about sexual activity in this society, we tend to separate sexual intercourse from all other sexual activities such as holding hands, kissing, and making the other person feel important and respected. These are part of sex when there is a sexual attraction as part of the relationship. There are some very real social, emotional and legal consequences to any type sexual activity.

What you are really asking here is what counts as sex. When we talk about sexual activity in this society, we tend to separate sexual intercourse from all other sexual activities such as holding hands, kissing, and making the other person feel important and respected. These are part of sex when there is a sexual attraction as part of the relationship. Some people like to think that oral sex, when one person's mouth stimulates the sex organs of the other person, is not really having sex because it is not sexual intercourse.

People can express affection or sexual attraction through oral sex, but they can also transmit diseases such as gonorrhea, herpes or HIV to each other just as they can when there is an exchange of body fluids. There are some very real social, emotional and legal consequences to any type sexual activity.

5. How do I know I'm ready to have sex?

Becoming sexually involved with someone is a big step in a person's life. One should think about the fact that just because one is able to have sex, may not mean that the person is ready to have sex. Most adults and teens struggle with this question. For most, however, the issue boils down to responsibility. Am I responsible enough to handle that happens as a result of having sex? It is important to answer the following questions: Are you having sex with this person to maintain the relationship?

If the threat of the loss of the relationship is the main reason you are having sex, then that is not a good reason. The basis of that relationship would be coercion, not intimacy or affection. Sometimes people decide it is OK to have sex, only to find out later that it was a bad idea. It is important to be ready for this real possibility and to protect yourself as much as you can. It is also important for each person to protect himself/herself by using a reliable method of birth control and not sharing body fluids which could carry an infection from one person to another.

Becoming sexually involved with someone is a big step in a person's life. One should think about the fact that just because one is able to have sex, may not mean that the person is ready to have sex. Most adults and teens struggle with this question. Some people feel that sex should only be part of a committed married relationship; others feel that the time is right when you reach adulthood.

For most, however, the issue boils down to responsibility. Am I responsible enough to handle that happens as a result of having sex? For most young people who do not generally have the financial resources or stability of a two-parent family, the answer is not when the issue of responsibility for a child is concerned.

Others may face the issue of a sexually transmitted disease for which there is no cure and with which the person will deal for the rest of their life.

Sex can be the most intimate form of affection between two people. It is important to answer the following questions: Are you having sex with this person to maintain the relationship? If the threat of the loss of the relationship is the main reason you are having sex, then that is not a good reason. The basis of that relationship would be coercion, not intimacy or affection.

Sometimes people decide it is OK to have sex, only to find out later that it was a bad idea. It is important to be ready for this real possibility and to protect yourself as much as you can. It is important to know the other person very well over a significant period of time such as a year. It is also important for each person to protect himself/herself by using a reliable method of birth control and not sharing body fluids which could carry an infection from one person to another. This means using a hormonal birth control method (e.g. the pill or the shot) and a barrier method such as a latex condom.

6. What is a wet dream and who has them?

A wet dream happens when they males are sleeping and are sexually aroused during dreams, their penis gets hard and releases some fluid called semen. Most boys and men have wet dreams. It is nature's way of letting them know that they are producing sperm and that their body is maturing. When the male awakes, he finds a wet puddle on the sheets or bed clothes. They have not urinated, they have had a wet dream. As males mature, the frequency of wet dreams lessens.

7. Can I get pregnant the first time I have sex?

Yes, you can get pregnant the first time, even if you haven't started menstruating. There are lots of myths about this topic. The truth is, a girl can get pregnant even if she is on her period, she douches after sex, doesn't have orgasms, has sex standing up, or the partner drinks a specific brand of soda pop, etc.

It is even possible to get pregnant without having sexual intercourse, if semen (containing sperm) is deposited near the vaginal opening, like on the outside of underwear. The thin fabric of panties is not a sufficient barrier to keep the sperm from swimming through the fabric and into the vagina.

It is important for both partners to protect each other and themselves from pregnancy each time they have sex.

8. When can a guy get a girl pregnant?

Once a male enters puberty, he can get a girl pregnant if he does not use a condom to avoid pregnancy.

The first time is not an issue for semen; sperm can swim as well the first time as the 1000th time. Even if a male allows a small amount of semen to come near the opening of the vagina, or if he transfers semen to the vagina with his hand, a pregnancy can occur.

Sperm have only one mission: to travel up the vagina, into the uterus and out into the fallopian tubes where they will wait, if necessary, for an egg to join with. The only way to avoid pregnancy is to keep semen to ones self by abstaining, or by using a latex condom every time you have sex.

9. Whose fault is it if a girl gets pregnant?

Unless the sexual contact was forced or coerced, both parties are equally responsible. Both partners need to responsibly talk about avoiding pregnancy by deciding to accurately use birth control 100% of the time If a pregnancy does occur, both people need to responsible and mature enough to support each other, gather information and make difficult decisions.

Trying to decide who is at fault and blaming that person is neither mature nor responsible.

10. What is the best birth control method?

There are many kinds of birth control available to suit the lifestyle and health of those who use it.

The best birth control is the one you will use consistently (100% of the time) and accurately. For a young person, continual abstinence is the most effective method of birth control. However, abstinence failure rate is 26% as compared to a condom failure rate of approximately 3%.

For most people, a hormonal method (e.g. the pill or the shot) combined with 100% condom use is the most effective method for those who are sexually active.

11. What is chlamydia?

Chlamydia is a very common sexually transmitted disease which anyone who trades body fluids can catch. Chlamydia is a bacterial infection, which means that it can be cured by antibiotics (a type of medicine you can get from a doctor or clinic). However, chlamydia is often a silent infection. Lots of people (both male and female) who have the disease do not realize it because they do not have any symptoms of the disease. Nothing is out of the ordinary except the fact that they have had unprotected sex.

Chlamydia is especially dangerous because, when left untreated, the disease can travel into the vas deferens or fallopian tubes and cause damage to these delicate body parts which may result in the person becoming sterile and never being able to have children. In fact, chlamydia is a leading cause of infertility for couples who want to have a child, but are unable.

In Santa Clara county, Chlamydia among teens is a serious concern. The disease is at epidemic levels among the teen population ages 15-19 years.

12. What's wrong with a teen having sex anyway?

Teens have been having sex and not having sex ever since there have been teens. In the past, however, many young teens got married at age 16 or 17 and were expected to fully support their families with full time jobs (most of which entailed working on farms or in factories).

Today, teens face a number of issues that youth of yesterday did not have to worry about. Teens today need to be able to support themselves with jobs that require at least a high school education with some additional specialized training. Many jobs require a college education. To make ends meet, many families find that both parents must work to contribute to the family income; when a child or children are involved, there are huge financial burdens for parents to meet.

In addition, there are physical, emotional and financial dangers for today's youth. Physically, teens especially females are susceptible to sexually transmitted infections. Literally, the protective cells on the female cervix are not fully mature until the early 20s. Exposure at an early age to infectious micro-organisms is correlated with a high incidence of pre-cancerous cells in the cervix (this means that many teens have abnormal pap smears and are at increased risk of cancer). Statistics indicate that teens run a 1 in 4 chance of contracting a sexually transmitted disease while in their teen years.

Emotionally, a person who has sex because they are in love and have not made a lifetime commitment to each other may be devastated to find that their partner does not stay with them in spite of verbal agreement to do so. Many teens have reported that they felt humiliated and rejected when they discovered that their lover had made similar claims to other people. This rejection can be very painful.

Financially, teens who have sex and subsequently become parents are not in a financial position to run their own lives. Most need to depend on the very family from whom they would like to be independent. In addition, there are not the public financial resources that were available to teen parents in the past. Most public funds require that teen parents live with their parents and attend school and receive good grades as condition for receiving financial assistance. Well meaning teens who choose to parent often find that they are not financially able to give their children all that they had hoped for and that the emotional burdens of single parenthood are very great.

Many religious groups specifically prohibit pre-marital sex and put pressure on teens to comply with religious doctrines. Teens sometimes report feeling guilty after going against their religious teachings.

Finally, it is very common for teens to report that they fear that their parents will be disappointed if they learn that their teenagers have had sex or have to deal with an unintended pregnancy. Most teens do not want to disappoint their parents.

The decision to have sex is a very important one. Think about all of the issues and consequences before they make the decision!