Talking About Sexuality

Do Your Homework

Talking about sexuality is not a one-shot deal, but an ongoing process. And there's no better time than the present to begin. Since sexuality encompasses many topics — our physical bodies and how they work, gender identity, sexual orientation, relationships, and more — you may want to brush up on certain subjects before you talk so you can give your child comprehensive, accurate information. Human Sexuality — What Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It is a good place to find out what age-appropriate information is. Guide for Teens & Families is also a good source of information. Your pediatrician or a friend with older children may be able to offer helpful resources as well.

Get to Know Your Children's World

Talking with your children about sex goes beyond communicating facts. Although the biological facts haven't changed, the world your children inhabit may be quite different from the one you knew as a young person. In order to understand your children's world, think of yourself as a cultural anthropologist. What kind of television shows do your children watch? What music do they listen to? What Web sites do they visit? Talking with children about their interests in a non-judgmental way may give you valuable insight into the messages they are receiving about sexuality and the pressures they face. With this insight, you'll be able to relate to your children better, and to recognize opportunities to serve as a resource and source of support for your children.

Know Where You Stand

It's also important to figure out your own comfort level about sexuality. Try asking yourself these questions:
What did your parents do well when it came to talking with you about sexuality? What do you wish they had done differently?

• What are your own biases or fears about sexuality?
• What kind of resource do you want to be for your children?
• How do you want your children to learn about sex? (Remember, they will get information — correct or not — one way or another.)
• What values do I want my children to learn about sexuality?

Be an "Askable" Parent

After exploring these issues, you may realize that you're not comfortable discussing all aspects of sexuality — and that's OK. Jay, a father of three adolescent girls, thought he would be comfortable talking about sexuality with his daughters — until the topic actually came up. At first, he was disappointed in himself, but he realized that the important thing was to let his daughters know that he was approachable, in spite of his discomfort.

One day, your child may ask you something that makes you want to run screaming from the room. But instead of avoiding the question, getting upset, or building an emotional wall, try to answer the question, while acknowledging your discomfort. You could say, "I'm glad that you asked me that. You may be able to tell that I am not completely comfortable talking about this, but I want to try my best because it's important. If there is some information that I can't give you myself, I'll make sure you get it somehow."

Being aware of your child's nonverbal cues may give you an opening for difficult subjects. Saying, "Is there something you wanted to ask me?" can convey to your child that you are an "askable parent," even if she or he doesn't take you up on your offer at that moment.

Find "Teachable Moments"

Young people receive countless sexual messages through music, television, and movies. Watching a movie with your child can create great openings for discussion. If an issue related to sexuality comes up, you could ask your child, "What do you think that character was feeling? What were her options? Do you agree with the decision she made?" Help your children begin to explore the many choices sexuality presents. Asking open-ended questions conveys respect for your children's perceptions and concerns. Listen to their responses in an open, non-judgmental way.

Getting Closer

Talking with your children about sex goes beyond communicating facts. Putting the information in the context of the special relationship that you share provides an opportunity to build closeness and trust and to impart values. For example, say your teenage son wants to talk about having sex with his girlfriend or boyfriend. You can give him accurate information about ways to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, and you can let him know your feelings about teens having sex. You could say something like, "Because I care about you, I want you to have this information. It's important for you to know how to protect yourself. I also want you to know that I think it can be difficult for teens to deal with the complex emotions that can come along with having sex. I hope you consider that while you make your decision."

By stating your concerns in the context of caring for your child, not only can you have a big impact on her or his behavior — you can also enhance the lifelong process of building a close, loving relationship.