Is This Love?

How to Tell if Your Relationship Is Good for You

Does Your Relationship Make You Happy?

We all deserve to be happy. Most of us want to be happy in healthy and loving relationships. What makes relationships healthy? They have six basic qualities —

• respect
• trust
• honesty
• fairness
• equality
• good communication

Healthy relationships help us feel better about ourselves and about our place in the world. They make us feel safe. Unhealthy relationships make us feel unsafe.

Respect

Do you and your partner respect each other?

	Yes	No
Do you listen to each other's ideas?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you treat each other as friends?	[ ]	[ ]
Are you proud of one another?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is really good for you.

Without respect, relationships can be hurtful. Many of us think it takes a slap or a punch to hurt someone. But insults and unkind words hurt just as much. They can destroy our self-esteem — how we feel about ourselves.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
make you feel ugly, stupid, or unsure of yourself?	[ ]	[ ]
say you could never make it without them?	[ ]	[ ]
call you crazy or stupid?	[ ]	[ ]
ignore or make fun of your feelings or ideas?	[ ]	[ ]
put down your race, family, culture, religion, income, or neighborhood?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if your relationship is good for you.

Trust

Do you and your partner trust each other?

	Yes	No
Do you understand each other's need for friends and family?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you feel sure of each other's love?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you have faith in each other's decisions?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is really good for you.

Without trust, relationships can cause jealousy and unhappiness. Jealous partners doubt the other's love or commitment. Building trust — by talking, listening, being honest, respecting each other's feelings, and having fun together — is the best cure for jealousy.

Does your partner say ...

	Yes	No
"You wouldn't need other friends if you really loved me."	[ ]	[ ]
"You're having an affair, aren't you?"	[ ]	[ ]
"You are the only person who can make me happy."	[ ]	[ ]
"I would die without you."	[ ]	[ ]
"You are lucky to have me."	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if your relationship is good for you.

Honesty and Fairness

Are you and your partner fair and honest with each other?

	Yes	No
Do you both admit when you are wrong?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you both tell the truth without fear?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you both forgive mistakes?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is really good for you.

Without honesty and fairness, relationships can be hurt by lies and anger. No one is always right — or wrong. In healthy relationships, partners admit their mistakes and can expect forgiveness.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
always blame you when something goes wrong?	[ ]	[ ]
try to make you feel guilty about mistakes?	[ ]	[ ]
sulk when you ask questions?	[ ]	[ ]
lie to you to avoid taking responsibility?	[ ]	[ ]
keep secrets?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if your relationship is good for you.

Equality

Do you and your partner treat each other as equals?

	Yes	No
Do you give and take equally?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you make decisions about money together?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you both compromise?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is really good for you.

Without equality, unhappiness is likely as one partner takes control. In healthy relationships, neither partner is "in charge."

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
keep track of your time?	[ ]	[ ]
make you ask permission to do what you want?	[ ]	[ ]
force you to do something you don't want to do?	[ ]	[ ]
check up on you at school, work, or home?	[ ]	[ ]
make most of the decisions in your relationship?	[ ]	[ ]
want to control the money?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if your relationship is good for you.

Good Communication

Is your relationship based on good communication?

	Yes	No
Do you talk openly about your feelings with each other?	[ ]	[ ]
Are you able to work through disagreements?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you listen to each other without judgment?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is really good for you.

Without good communication, there are a lot of misunderstandings.  In healthy relationships, partners are open and listen to each other.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
refuse to talk about your relationship?	[ ]	[ ]
keep you from saying what's on your mind?	[ ]	[ ]
yell at you?	[ ]	[ ]
refuse to talk about feelings and worries?	[ ]	[ ]
refuse to find time for you?	[ ]	[ ]
give you the silent treatment?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be wondering if your relationship is good for you.

Love and Anger

Love shouldn't hurt. In happy and healthy relationships, partners try not to hurt each other. It's true that we all get angry sometimes. But when we do get angry, we have a choice — we can express ourselves in a healthy way, or we can do it in an unhealthy way and hurt someone else.

Some people use anger and violence to frighten and control a partner.

Has your partner ever ...

	Yes	No
threatened to or almost hit you?	[ ]	[ ]
threatened you with a weapon?	[ ]	[ ]
hit, slapped, or punched you?	[ ]	[ ]
forced you off the road or kept you from driving?	[ ]	[ ]
locked you out of the house or car?	[ ]	[ ]
abandoned you in a dangerous place?	[ ]	[ ]
threatened to leave you if you don't give in?	[ ]	[ ]
prevented you from seeing friends or family?	[ ]	[ ]
damaged or hurt things you care about — pictures, books, clothing, pets?	[ ]	[ ]
frightened your children?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be wondering how safe you are in your relationship.

Remember: You and your partner always have choices — even when angry.

Love and Sexual Abuse

Saying "No"

Many of us think that once we are in love, we can never say "no" to sex. We might even believe that we can never say "no" once we marry. No matter what kind of relationship you have, if you are forced to have sex, it is rape. If you are humiliated or forced to be sexual in any way, that is sexual abuse.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
want you to wear "sexy" clothes that you don't like?	[ ]	[ ]
insult you in a sexual way?	[ ]	[ ]
show sexual interest in others to upset you?	[ ]	[ ]
touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable?	[ ]	[ ]
force you to engage in sexual activity?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be wondering how safe you are in your relationship.

If Your Relationship Makes You Feel Unsafe ...

Trust your instincts.
If you feel you are treated badly, you probably are. If you feel unsafe, you are probably in danger. If something inside you tells you to get away from your partner, do it.

Talk to someone.
Talk to a friend or someone you trust, or call a confidential, toll-free hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) to speak with a counselor in private. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call the police.

If someone you know is in an unsafe relationship

• Don't try to "take control."
• Remember that it is very hard to end a relationship.
• Help them get professional advice for the person you think is in trouble.

It starts with you.

Having a healthy, loving relationship starts with you:

• Do you respect yourself?
• Do you trust yourself?
• Are you honest and fair with yourself?
• Do you expect people to treat you as an equal person?
• Do you speak openly about your feelings?

If you are wondering if your relationship is good for you, you can

• Talk with your family.
• Talk to someone in a relationship you admire.
• Talk to trusted friends or others in a "peer" group.
• Try couples counseling.

Call Planned Parenthood at 1-800-230-PLAN for referrals, or contact your local school, religious, or community center.