Are You Safe?

Love should make us feel good, safe, and happy about the future. Unhealthy relationships can make us feel unhappy, unsafe, and fearful of the future.

Unfortunately many people are in hurtful, unsafe, or violent relationships. It can happen to anyone — students, doctors, teachers, celebrities, and construction workers — whether they are women or men; teens and adults; straight, gay, or bisexual.

People can hurt their partners:

• verbally
  
• emotionally
  
• sexually
  
• physically

You do not deserve to be hurt. Nothing you say or do causes your partner to hurt you. We all get angry sometimes, but when we do, we all have choices. We can choose to express ourselves in healthy ways. Or we can be irresponsible and choose to hurt someone else — which is not healthy.

Words

Do you and your partner communicate with respect and consideration?

	Yes	No
Do you talk openly about your feelings and tell the truth without fear?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you listen to each other's ideas?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you solve problems and disagreements together?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is healthy and happy.

In healthy relationships, partners help each other feel good about themselves. Insults, unkind words, and humiliation are very hurtful — they are disrespectful and make us feel badly about ourselves.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
constantly criticize you, call you names, or put you down in front of other people?	[ ]	[ ]
threaten to harm you, your children, your family, pets, friends, or her/himself?	[ ]	[ ]
blame you for everything that goes wrong?	[ ]	[ ]
lie or break promises to you a lot?	[ ]	[ ]
ever say, "You make me get this angry," or "I can't help being so mad with you around"?	[ ]	[ ]
expect you to do everything she or he says?	[ ]	[ ]
threaten your immigrant status or keep you from learning English?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are being treated badly. Signs of abuse like these may mean that you're not safe in your relationship — and it may get worse.

Feelings & Independence

Do you and your partner show each other how much you care and give each oher space?

	Yes	No
Do you each have friends, interests, and activities of your own, and nes you share?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you respect each other's privacy?	[ ]	[ ]
Are you proud of each other's talents and accomplishments?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is healthy and happy.

In loving relationships, partners respect each other's needs. Being jealous or trying to control someone else does not show love.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
ignore or dismiss your ideas or the things you want to do?	[ ]	[ ]
keep you from going out or get jealous when you spend time with family or friends?	[ ]	[ ]
seem very overprotective or ask other people to watch over you?	[ ]	[ ]
want to be a part of everything you do?	[ ]	[ ]
call you all the time or stop by unexpectedly?	[ ]	[ ]
accuse you of flirting or getting romantically involved with someone else?	[ ]	[ ]
keep you from having money of your own or using the car?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are being treated badly. Signs of abuse like these may mean that you're not safe in your relationship — and it may get worse.

Sex

Do you and your partner care about each other's sexual pleasure?

	Yes	No
Do you talk openly about your sexual needs and desires?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you protect each other from unintended pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infection?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you always have each other's consent for sex?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is healthy and happy.

In healthy relationships, partners care about and respect each other's sexual needs and limits. Forcing or hurting someone in a sexual way is physically and emotionally damaging. It's wrong and it's against the law.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
force you to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or high?	[ ]	[ ]
get angry and threaten you when you don't want to have sex?	[ ]	[ ]
force you to have sex without protection against pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infection?	[ ]	[ ]
hurt your genitals or any part of your body during sex?	[ ]	[ ]
make you wear revealing clothes, or strip against your will?	[ ]	[ ]
criticize your sexual performance or use sex as a way to punish you?	[ ]	[ ]
only care about her or his own sexual pleasure?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are being treated badly. Signs of abuse like these may mean that you're not safe in your relationship — and it may get worse

Physical Safety

Do you and your partner keep each other safe and healthy?

	Yes	No
Do you help take care of each other?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you have disagreements without becoming violent?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you respect each other's belongings?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is healthy and happy.

In healthy relationships, partners help each other feel loved and safe. Hurting someone physically is never okay, it doesn't solve anything, and it's against the law. Violent behavior and fear make a person feel unsafe.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
push, shove, punch, kick, choke, or bite you?	[ ]	[ ]
restrain, hold you down, or use other kinds of force during an argument?	[ ]	[ ]
have violent mood swings?	[ ]	[ ]
break or throw objects?	[ ]	[ ]
leave you stranded in dangerous places?	[ ]	[ ]
refuse to help you out or keep you from going to the doctor or getting medicine?	[ ]	[ ]
also have a history of physically abusing a partner in the past?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are being treated badly. Signs of abuse like these may mean that you're not safe in your relationship — and it may get worse.

If You Have Children

Do you and your partner share in the responsibility of raising your children in loving ways?

	Yes	No
Do you all have fun together?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you create rules for the kids together?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you decide together how to spend money?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that you and your partner are raising your children in healthy and happy ways.

In order for children to know they are loved, they need to feel safe, too. In healthy families, partners share the responsibilities of having children — the fun ones as well as the difficult ones. They create a safe and secure home life for their families. Hurting children is never okay, and it's against the law. Children can be removed from a home where they are being abused.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
make your kids feel frightened?	[ ]	[ ]
tease your kids until they cry?	[ ]	[ ]
easily get frustrated with your kids?	[ ]	[ ]
punish your kids harshly?	[ ]	[ ]
get jealous of the attention you give to your kids?	[ ]	[ ]
completely ignore your kids?	[ ]	[ ]
hit, punch, slap, or sexually abuse your kids?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, your children are being treated badly. Signs of abuse like these may mean that you and your children are not safe in your family — and it may get worse.

The Future

Do you and your partner have a future together?

	Yes	No
Do you feel closer to your partner as time goes on?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you feel happy when you think about staying together?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you solve problems together more and more?	[ ]	[ ]

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be feeling that your relationship is going in a good direction.

In healthy relationships, partners feel proud of how they have learned to express caring for each other. In relationships that are unhealthy, abusive behavior may become dangerous. Even if your partner apologizes and promises that it won't happen again, it is likely to get worse.

Does your partner ...

	Yes	No
refuse to take full responsibility for the abuse?	[ ]	[ ]
refuse to get professional help?	[ ]	[ ]
become more and more abusive?	[ ]	[ ]
push, hit, kick, or choke you more often as time goes on?	[ ]	[ ]
hit you harder now and leave more bruises or broken bones?	[ ]	[ ]
make threats to kill you or her/himself if you leave the relationship?	[ ]	[ ]
have a weapon?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to some of these questions, you are in danger. You may need to make plans to get out of your relationship. Help is available.

Finding Safety

Violent and controlling behavior never fixes problems — and it tends to get worse and happen more often over time. It's not always easy to leave a relationship — even when you're getting hurt. It's okay if you feel you cannot leave right now. Remember that your safety is important, so get information and help as soon as possible — HAVE A PLAN.

If you are thinking about leaving, be prepared:

	Yes	No
Do you have access to money — cash, ATM, and credit cards?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you have a bag packed in case you need to leave quickly?	[ ]	[ ]
Does the bag contain personal items, a change of clothes for you and your children, an extra set of keys, and important medicine, including emergency contraception?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you have a trusted friend in whose home you can store the bag?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you know where your personal identification papers are — driver's license, passport, or immigration?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you know where other important legal, medical, banking, and ownership papers are?	[ ]	[ ]
Do you have a safe place to go?	[ ]	[ ]

If you've answered yes to some of these questions, you may be feeling that you are ready to leave your relationship. Abuse can get worse if your partner finds you after you leave, so be careful — FIND SUPPORT.

Who Can Help?

If you are being abused, you may be feeling alone — like you're the only person going through this. But you're not. There are many support services available. You may need a safe place to stay, legal assistance, crisis counseling, and/or medical attention.

Whatever it is that you need, talk to someone — a friend or someone else you trust. Or contact

• 1-800-799-SAFE — a confidential hotline, to speak with a counselor in private, toll-free
  
• 1-800-230-PLAN — to reach the Planned Parenthood health center nearest you for support and local referrals, toll-free
  
• the Department of Social Services or Family Independence Agency in your state — check the Yellow Pages^® or the community services section of the phone book for other services nearby
  
• 911 — call the police, if you feel you are in immediate danger or need help right away
  
• www.ndvh.org — for information and resource listings
  
• www.endabuse.org/gethelp